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Bitch-Whispering 101- How to Properly Deal with a Bitch

At one point in our lives (or perhaps more times than one can count) you’ve felt bitched out by an individual. Just when you thought you have met your pinnacle of zen, someone’s funky attitude and energy rushes through. This can really be unsettling, you find yourself questioning your foundations, whether or not you are in fact this newfound woman/man of internal control. You suddenly find yourself going from zero to ‘might slap-a-hoe’ real quick (figuratively speaking of course, no endorsements of violence here). What is the proper way to deal?

Now, before going any further, let us clarify that a ‘Bitch’ can be used in reference to both, male and female.

It is time to relinquish the female “Bitch” connotation that was created as a form of shaming a strong woman. When society has tethered its nasty fingers into defining a word solely as a negative feminine staple, you know things aren’t quite right. Truth is, I’m sure we have all encountered the male-bitch more than female-bitch, it just is not labeled as so, or scrutinized to such high degrees.

So, I got to thinking to myself, whenever I feel the surge of others bitchy personas and attitudes, or maybe it’s my very own Bitch rearing its ugly head ready to reciprocate

— how can I reel it in and convert it into a tool of self-restraint and power? After all, how you treat others is a reflection of you.

Below, I’ve listed the 5 bitchy individuals one may encounter in their lives, and how you can take them on full-throttle with intelligence, kindness, and most importantly, righteousness. Long live protecting your inner peace!

1. The Mean Bitch

This right here is the most written about, and possibly most complained-about Bitch of all time. The Creme-De-La creme of all Bitches. This is also literally, the easiest one to deal with. If you just get to the bottom of all that concerns this Bitch, you will realize that this Bitch is actually a very Sad Bitch.

Translation: a sad, sad person who literally cannot function in the world properly without spewing Bitch-assness on anyone they assume will take it.

He/She still lives in their loser grade school heyday of running shit (that is super depressing to think about for starters). Being such a repulsive person to others gives them a rotten serotonin rush of sorts, one that temporarily alleviates their self-perception of lameness. But yet, here is the kicker in dealing with this Bitch; you simply have to nip them in the bud from the very beginning. A Mean Bitch will not even test you if you make it straight that you are not the one who will take their bulk of meanness. Have some empathy for them (I know it’s hard), create your backbone, stabilize your confidence, and this Mean Bitch will not even get the chance to penetrate your good vibes.

no drama

Deuces to the drama

2. The Egotistical Bitch

Flashback to the childhood best friend you had. Not the really amazing one, I’m talking about the shitty one. The one who would make you do all the bad stuff, then somehow would swindle their way out of taking the blame for it. The one who would always tell you that your “one” would come, yet somehow managed to steal your crush right from under your nose. Yea, THAT Bitch.

They probably helped in creating some insecurities that you still have till this day. This was likely a very one-sided relationship — in part being: this Bitch is always out for themselves. Dare they stop to think about the effects their actions will have on others; this is never looming in their mind. They live in their own bubble of Ego, and I’m sorry to reveal — there is no cure for this Bitch. However, what you can do is let them live in this delusional world they have consumed themselves in, and play the cool one.

The Egotistical Bitch wants a challenge, they want competition, they want all the control. Once you wipe them clean of that control over you — (i.e., hurting your feelings, taking advantage of you) you lend them no power in succeeding their Bitch-ass ways onto you.

They will — unfortunately, find a new target, finagle them into becoming their puppet, and convince them that they are on their team, when in actuality, they are on a team, and it’s called “Team ME”. Don’t play along, pass!

3. The Self-Loathing Bitch

This Bitch, is called a Bitch for reasons. Many may sympathize with this type of Bitch, but no ma’am, not you. This Bitch is the Debbie Downer to life. They will refuse to see the bright side to any situation, they will nitpick to no means, and maybe, if you’re just so luckless, you’ll find them shitting on your own life whilst they shit on theirs, all without ill-intentions, but definitely with no sign of digressing (who exactly sent for them?!)

This is the Bitch that you either have to self-prescribe medication to, or seriously prep yourself before deep diving into yet another exasperating conversation to ease them up. This is when I ask you: does this Bitch add any value to your life? Can you sustain their negativity? Are you truly willing to be the horse power to this wagon of shit they will continuously wheel to you? If you cannot answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions… this may be a lost cause. If you can, you need to mobilize and get your Oprah-on with this Bitch.

The Self-Loathing Bitch is called a Bitch because they simply are not sweet and helpless all of the time, they tend to be nasty and irrational too — talk about a jacked up rollercoaster ride. They will lash out on you due to their deep sorrow of whatever is bothering them. Whether it be how Exhaustedddd they are after just returning from vacation, or that new stretch mark they acquired within the past week, guess what — it’s now your problem too.

In order to tolerate a Self-Loathing Bitch you must truly love them, and that is the real take away on dealing with this Bitch.

Think of it as a project you constantly have to work through, hell, you may learn a few things on your own going through this journey of being a constant crutch — therapist in your near future, anyone?

4. The Attention Seeking Bitch

The Attention Seeking Bitch will be the pity party and the life of the party all at once. (How the fuck?! You’re thinking.) These Bitches are experts at never being the shadow of anything. Throwing a Birthday get-together for yourself? This is the Bitch that will show up with a juicy life drama to steer all of the attention away from you. Everyone having a great time on the “friend’s only” trip? This Bitch will be miserable, somehow, someway—no amount of tequila can satiate them. So, how to go about handling this Bitch?

I’ve realized by acknowledging the Attention in which they seek for, right to their face, in a non-confrontational way is key. Get to the root of the problem with this Bitch.

The Attention Seeking Bitch is the runner-up to the Egotistical Bitch, they are also the cousin to the Undercover Bitch. Pretty much, you’ve got a bundle of many layers of Bitch to deal with.

In acknowledging the Attention Seeking Bitch, many would think “No! That’s the last thing you want to do!”, but it is actually the FIRST thing you should do. In acknowledging their self-centered ways, you bring to light that you are onto their act. You also forefront that you will not entertain it. That person not having fun on the Vegas trip you tediously planned for everyone? Give them an ultimatum — either shape up, or get excluded from any future activities planned by you. That Attention Seeking Bitch snagging the attention on your birthday? Acknowledge their melodramatic condition, then pour a shot to it, ending it right then and there. Erhm, excuse me, but I came here to celebrate my life, did you come here to celebrate your shitty situation?

All of their attention seeking issues can wait, and it’s OK to be the one to make it known. You kind of have to act as if you’re rearing a disobedient child — hint, the disobedient child is the Attention Seeking Bitch in this case. They may not like your blatant disinterest in their never ending problems, but they will be forced to recognize that it is not appropriate to unleash their emotional vomit just anywhere, around everyone. Au’revoir! Attention whore!

bitch please

When you’ve perfected your eye-roll

5. The Undercover Bitch

This is the Bitch you never suspect at first. They appear to be the epitome of a friend, a lover, a work wife/husband. This is quite possibly the worst Bitch one will encounter in one’s life. Undercover Bitch graduated with a Master’s in Manipulation. They sort of aced life by being conniving and deceiving— some real borderline personality disorder shit. I’ve gotten to the point where I can sniff out an Undercover Bitch by their perfume/cologne; if you have yet to gain this super power, here is how you deal with one:

An Undercover Bitch feeds off of you in every way. They morph themselves based on what you disclose to them. This being said, tread slowly with what you say and reveal to them. This is all stored away for ammunition when you ignore their text, or don’t compliment them on their new blah hair-do. (Yes, this is how petty these bitches are.) The Undercover Bitch may use subtle disses, but never let them go unseen when in the moment.

Undercover Bitch Friend: “Hey, I saw Josh the other day and he asked about you. I told him that you left that miserable job you had, and finally moved out of your parents place— what a loser! He looked really fat too.”

Take notice of how the Undercover Bitch does not make mention of your new AWESOME job, and also doesn’t highlight your upgraded living situation in a flattering way.

In addition, you know that this Undercover Bitch Friend secretly despised your romantic relationship with this Josh guy ever since she drunkenly made a move on him a few years prior to you two dating, and he shut her down. Pay close attention to how their small back-handed comments and gestures play into the bigger picture.

Your response: “Oh, that’s so funny, I actually talked to Josh the other day too, and he mentioned he saw you. He said you were blabbering away, like usual. (Laugh as if you’re brushing the whole thing off), but leave the Bitch hyperventilating inside wondering if he spilled any of the shit-talk she inevitably spoke about you to him.

This may be a no-brainer to some: completely wipe this Bitch clean off your radar. Sometimes, this solution just takes way too much effort to fully work through. This particular species tends to be clingy and hard to shake off, no matter how hard you try. In this instance, keep it cordial, keep it friendly, but always keep a step ahead of this Bitch.


unbothered mirror-selfie 🙂

Not for nothing, there should really be adult reward systems for properly conducting oneself around a Bitch, and in doing so, curbing your own Bitch simultaneously. Do any of these Bitches listed above ring a bell in your life? Any new types we can add to the list and ponder on how to deal with? Drop them below!